My New Year’s Resolutions for 2013

This year is quickly approaching it’s end and the new year is quickly approaching it’s beginning. This year I am not as ambitious when it comes to specific resolutions. My two specific resolutions are to reach my goal weight for this year of 260 pounds. It is reachable, attainable and measurable. It is a goal I know I can meet and will not blow it. And when I meet and exceed it it will make me feel more competent. And if I just meet it and don’t exceed it, then at least I met my goal. My other goal is to set daily, weekly, and monthly goals that are specific and attainable to help me improve on my medical issues, my mental health, my physical health, my creative and artistic side, my financial situation, my relationships, and my environment. In order to do this I have purchased a planner to help set small achievable daily and weekly goals for myself and will document monthly goals as well in my journal and blog and document their progress. Ultimately my goal is to find balance and to help heal my life more than I have this year. I really have alot of healing to do and have no made much progress in doing so this past year. I really need to work on myself and bettering my life and there-for my husband’s, child’s, and best friends’. So that’s it!

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3 New ATCs

I have been puttering around the last few days and came up with three new ATCs and wanted to post them up and share them. They are nothing fancy but I wanted to share them beforre I send them off for a swap on Swap Bot. So here they are:

Pretty in pink 1:3

Pretty in pink 1:3

Pretty in PInk 2:3

Pretty in PInk 2:3

Pretty in Pink 3:3

Pretty in Pink 3:3

We survived!

Well Ladies and Gentleman, It’s December 22, 2012 and we survived. The world is still here, humans are still on it, and I am still hanging on to my lovely, chaotic existence. While it is before christmas and too early to start setting my New Years resolutions in stone for  the new year, I think that waking up to a beautiful new day gives me the opportunity to focus on what I want to start working on in my life: the areas I want to start focusing on more.

  1. My Medical Issues: I am already working on those but I think it’s time to really focus on them. I have a Gyn appt in January to work on the ovarian cyst issue and I am going to have to get an appt with a gastroenterologist now that I have found out that the surgical ooption is off of the table for my chronic diverticulitis. I also need to get back in with the dentist to work on my teeth as they are not happy and I never followed up after my last major dental procedure because it hurt so much. I need to get back to them and follow up.
  2. My Mental Health: I need to find a way to work with my P-Doc or find someone who will work with me. I also need to find ways to minimize stress and find therapuetic outlets for the things I am going through. I also need to get back into my DBT practice and start to focus on some of those excercises. I also need to get focused with Dr. Kuna and find a way to really concentrate on issues that are bothering me and work with him on those instead of wasting time on less meaning ful things.
  3. My Physical Health: I need to get back into eating healthy and getting regular exercise and start working on my body even though I know I am not well. A little bit will go a long way.
  4. My Creative/Artistic side: I need to find a way to feed that part of me more and spend less time in front of the tv. I also need to organize my space and my supplies. I woudl also like to network more so I can take classes or go to concerts or go to galleries. I don’t have to isolate and do it all by myself.
  5. My environment: My house is a mess and filthy. It causes external choas to my internal choas. I need organize and downsize and clean and make arrangement to get the house fixed.
  6. My Financial situation: I need to spend less and utilize more. No more spending sprees when I can use what i have. I also want to set up an ebay and etsy store to sell thigns that I can’t use or don’t need anymore. I also need to start arraqnging to pay off some of my bills.
  7. My relationships: I need to find more balance in my relationships. I neglect my huasband in favor of Katherine or Paul quite often because I do not have the energy for all three. I also do nto spend nearly enough itme with my son because I am tired. I also neglect spending face timewiht Katherine in favor of phone time because I over spend and do not save for trips to see her. I also do not spend enough time with friends or making time for friends or penpals and that is not fair to them. I need to Find Balance.

I guess the whole key to this thing is Finding Balance. I really need that most of all. KIt’s alot to tackle but if I take baby steps and make little changes in each area I will make big changes in the long run. Anyways that’s my big thoughts status post Doomsday. Love to all my friends and followers.

Rosie

Stop The Car!!!!!!!!!

There’s a PANDA in that YARD!!!!!! yes those are the words that came flying out of my stress addled, highly medicated, manicly induced mind and mouth today on the way home from a particularly stressful doctors aappointment. The car skidded to a stop………. before Peter logically realized, then told me so, that we were in the woods of Pennsylvania, and there are no Pandas in Pennsylvania. Close my eyes, count to ten, and look again. Two dogs, one black and one white, playing ball in the yard. Okay so I got the colors right. But not scarlett, there are no Pandas in Pennsylvania. I need to lay off the stress and get some sleep. I guess it’s better than the purple camels or the black cats that used to plague me at points in my life, or even the member of the Insane Clown Posse who i swore was peeping in my window one day. Oh, the joys of being bipolar.

speaks for itself

speaks for itself

Random thoughts on the impending “Doomsday prophecy”

Well folks, 5 days and counting till doomsday, the famous Mayan Prophecy that some people swear by and some people dismiss as hooey. I myself have been preoccupied with every special on it, sucked in by the hoopla, watching every Mayan Prophecy, Book of Revelations, and doomsday show on H2, Nat Geo, and Smithsonian Channel and have been amazed at the amount of theories, information, and contradictions that everyone has come up with. What I have come up with is this, that the Mayan civilization was an incredible but very hostile civilization who was way beyond it’s time in the fields of astronomy, astrology, and chronology. That does not mean that they know the future any more than anyone else. They themselves did not predict their own tragic demise. In addition, the Dresden Codex, which is relied on to interpret the Mayan calender, has the symbol at the end which although shows a life changing event, the animal symbol providing it, is a life giver. So who really knows what will happen? The alignment of the planets with the milky way will happen for the first time in 26,000 years. The world is millions of years old and has had life on it for a long period of time and has not been destroyed the last time it happened. The solar flares will be at their peak in their  11 year cycle but they are still the weakest in 50 years. Sure there is climate change, violence, pestilence, war, famine, such as we have seen before. We are still here. I don’t see a race of robots rising from the ground or zombies coming from the ground either. Their are no planets on a collision course for ours. The largest fastest pole change took 100 thousand years and that was considered hugely drastic. The real danger here is not from nature but from ourselves. As we get closer to the date 12-21-12 people are going to get more and more afraid and do things that are more and more stupid. There will be more desperation because of fear. More violence. More idiocy. That’s what we need to be afraid of. not the end of the world from a doomsday prophecy but the result of what the actual prophecy and it being hyped up will have on the human population. I can guarantee the rate of suicides will go up dramatically thursday. people will run up their credits cards and spend all of their money. people will continue to perpetrate more acts of violence on one another. There may be runs on banks. I’m talking worse case scenario. But it’s happened before. Remember Y2K? It was none too pretty in some places. Remember some of the other lesser known end of days prophecies and what people did? The world is not going to end on friday. We have been around to long. Yes creationists, the world is older than 6000 years old. It may end one day when our son dies. it may end when a meteorite crashes into the earth. But it’s not going to be this week. Let me tell you why. Because it would be to damned inconvenient for me. That’s the truth. I have a Ct scan tomorrow that i have to get poked and prodded for and I would hate to be irradiated again for nothing. I have appointments on friday. I am to busy preparing for christmas for the end of the world to happen. I have bought my kid waaaaaayyy too  many expensive presents for the end of the world to happen before christmas. It would totally bite the big one. And I have big plans for the new year. I have a life to live. My kid has a life to live. The world has a life to live. So friday just can’t be it. Bottom line. No Doomsday because frankly it just doesn’t fit into my schedule and for those of you who are afraid and nervous, don’t be. Say a little prayer and know that life has a way of continuing no matter what. Life begets life. The Universe is too amazing, this planet is too amazing and unique to just disappear. The human race is too unique to just disappear. So breathe, plan on spending time with those you love if you are worried and ride it out. But be safe. Stay inside and watch some tv and eat some good food and let the crazies do their thing. Love to you all my friends and be safe.

My Final Zentangle of the week

Zentangle L

Zentangle L

I think it needs something else on the top right but I am not sure what I want to add yet and figured I would pop it up. So my 7 days of art wasn’t as productive as I would have liked but life kind of got in the way. still I got way more done than normal and really enjoyed myself. And that is what is more important right?

A word on being a mental health consumer to health care professionals and their staff

I have Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety disorder, and PTSD. But I am NOT my illness. I am a woman with a mental illness who uses prescribed medication as prescribed to manage her symptoms. I am not a drug addicted, drug seeking, head case, crazy woman, seeking head meds. My medication does cause my memory to be slow. That does not mean that i cannot remember a conversation thatt I had with you two days ago. It also means that if you are a health care provider and I had a conversation with you on the phone or in person, I am damned sure that i documented it because I know my memory sometimes takes a bit to kick in. That does not mean I am stupid. That does not mean I need to be patronized. That does not mean you can lie about a phone conversation you had with me on the phone because you think I won’t remember the details of it and then pass me off as crazy to your supervisor when you screwed up. Don’t forget that before I was disabled, I was a RN, an ER RN to be precise and a damned good one. I did not quit because I made med errors. I did not quit because I had lapses in judgement. I did not quit because my skills were not up to par. I quit because the high stress and my mental illness did not mix. So when you prescribe something to me and I think a dosage is excessive, a medication will interact, or a drug has too high a risk of side effects don’t think for a second that I won’t look it up in my current PDR, consult with my highly trained Pharmacist and call you out. And when I tell you a drug will interact, don’t treat me like a moron then get surprised when the pharmacist calls and reports the same issue. And if you start me on a drug that is 6 times the normal starting dose because you “think I can handle it” don’t think I will not be pissed when I come back complaining of a hangover and vomiting and titrate the dose myself when even the pharmacist can’t get you to change your mind. And when I ask you to give me a 1mg increase of a dose of medication that works, that I was on and you took it away when I entered your practice with no rationale, and instead of returning that 1 mg increase of a controlled substance, you put me on five more drugs and treat me like a drug addict when they don’t work when the 1mg of medication worked well before you took it away and I destabilized, you are the problem not me. I deserve to be listened to and not judged. I deserve to be given answers more than “because I am the doctor and you are the patient.” I deserve to know why my previous psychiatrist put me on medications that followed up to date clinical research and you cannot even identify then so you just keep prescribing them as they are without even looking them up or doing research and after a year still ask me what they are. I deserve not to go to the ER for a true illness like I am experiencing now and will have to go for surgical intervention for and without being even properly evaluated, hearing the nurse outside my room say to another nurse, oh she’s just looking for pain meds and will be in and out fast when in reality I had Acute Diverticulitis and a ruptured ovarian cyst. I am not my illness. I am a human being. I have never misused, abused, or used a drug other than as proscribed except when it was a dangerous dose that was prescribed until I could get it fixed. I abhor narcotics. I don’t even smoke or drink. For my psychiatrist who has treated me now for over a year to call in prescriptions because I am too physically ill to make it too the office and tell me sure they can do that I just need to make a follow up appt which I did for the following week. So they called the prescriptions in. 10 days supply. I expected a 1 months supply and just follow up with the doctor. Well the ten days supply cost me 200 dollars, the same as the 30 day supply, because they are concerned about me abusing medications. I now have to see them and get the remainders supply of the month and pay another 200 dollars for the rest of the months prescriptions. Double my monthly medication cost. The week before christmas.  Because I am treated inhumanely and with no respect. And then they have the nerve to lie about the phone call and tell me that they told me that they were only refilling ten days and that I did not tell them I could not see them for medical reasons. Flat out lies. My child now has half of a Christmas because my psychiatrists office is playing God with my life. I am human. I am not a drug seeker or abuser. I am not my illness. I am a young disabled woman with limited means and an even more limited sense of hope right now that the medical establishment that I rely on so much keeps continually treating me and so many others with such little empathy and respect. So if you are a doctor or a nurse or even a tech or a receptionist, remember to treat us like people. We deserve that much. A little empathy would be nice. Some common courtesy would be great. Just listen! Hear what we are telling you! especially if we are talking or crying asking for help and not screaming or yelling or ranting and raving. Maybe just maybe we have something important to say about our own bodies and minds.