I sold my first item on Ebay!!!! Yay! It was something small, just a book, but it was fun and now I am enjoying it. I am going to try it again and see if I can sell another book. Hopefully slowly I will make a little money aside and a little room in my house too! So Yay for me!!!!!
On the surface, this seems easy. I am a 32 year old wife and mom of a 10 year old boy. I am married to a 49 year old Aussie chef. I have a dog, a cat, and 7 guinea pigs. I love art, reading, music, watching tv, and haviogn a good time with my family. Seems easy enough doesn’t it? But when you ask someone who they are, is that really the sum of their parts? If you had asked me this three years ago I would have had a much better answer: I was a kick asss ER nurse saving lives and taking risks. I was confident and crazy and extroverted and hypersexual. I was a secret Dominatrix and not so secret BBW adult model. Then everythign came crashing to a hault. One day I was on top of the world, my career, my profession and my life and in complete control. The next mionute i was locked up in a mental hospital with the words Fuck you carved into my arms 100 times with an exacto knife. So what the hell hapened? I have no idea. I had always shown syptoms of Biplolar disorder. I would rip the house apart at random moments to clean and pganize. iw pould get hypersexual. i would drink and make poor decisions. But it took that clear scream of help for someone to notice how bad i was cracking inside. So now that i have comepltely cracked, all the kinds horses and all the kinds men are having a very hard time putting me back together again. So other than that basic info, I have no diea who i really am. i know somehwere inside of me lies a strong woman. Somewhere I hope. She may be lying on the ground but she is still there. I am a mother and i try my best. I am a wife and i try my best at that too. Inside I am a bal of chaos and that manifests itself externally through my environment and my relationships. Inside I am a scared tired sad young woman with moments of happiness, albiet fleeting. I have dreams and hopes but no motivation to follow them or ever follow through with any of my plans. I am a procrastinator full of excuses. Yet inside I am an artist hoping to learn to make art. I am a lover wanting to learn to love. I am a dreamer wanting someone to teach me how to dream. I have moments of shining clarity and moments of pitch blackness. I am me. I don;t know how else to explain that right now. I don’t like titles or lables or anything like that. So hear I am, just me. Hyponotizing chickens :>)
Well, I have been neglecting my Blog. It’s not been delieberate. It’s just that i have had so much going on that I have had my head spinning and alot of it I have not wanted ot post about, like that friendship I talked about ending. It turned out not ending. It got comlicated and painful. There was lots of arguing and emailing and crying and stressing. We both agreed finally that we wanted each other in each other’s lives and we are better together than apart. But it was a painful way to get to that decision. Very painful. We are trying new tactics to not put pressure on each other and to slow down and back off and take it easy and just be who we are and let nature take it’s course. But like I said, the road to that decision was not an easy one. We went from makign a clean break to being together to being apart, to hating each other, to settling back into a pattern. It ook both of us to face our faults and it was not easy. But I think we are on the right path. Or so I hope.
Meanwhile my health has not been so hot. I go to the doctors starting this week for my Ovarian cysts and my abdominal issues and my mental health issues and go from there. I am hoping to fit in time to see my other best friend Katherine over the weekend or possibly next weekend. It will be nice to spend some time with her. It’s been six months since I last saw her and though I talk to her most nights of the week, it’s not the same as face time. But I am not sure i will be well anough for the long drive there and then spending time with her without getting sick.
Meanwhile, I want to start gettign active again with Bookmooch, postcrossing, open and etsy store, and start selling things on ebay and trading things on Listia. I want to start downsizing and making some room and makign the most of what i have and hopefully get some things I want as well in the process.
I have been active with my ATCs and with trading Junk journal and smash book supplies. I have 12 envelopes waiting to get sent out. I will scan in some of the new cards and post the results later on. I really would like to take some classes and become more creative though. I am using alot of premade supplies and I want to make my own supplies and more of my own designs, not that the designs themselves arent original, but using premade products like stickers and photos makes it easier to do the work and I feel it’s kind of like cheating. I’d like to make my own paper and paint my own backgrounds and draw my own figures if possible. i boughts some books. i should use them.
I am also going to start answering a question a day. I have 200 of them from surveys and online journal prompts already on my computer but if you have any of yoru own, feel free to email them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org or post them in the comments section at any page at any time and I will answer them. They can be questions about me, my thoughts, my opinions, current events that you might want to discuss, anything is an open book. My life is open to you so give me a shout about anything at any time.
Well that’s it for now. I promise I will be on every day from now on except for when I am away and do not have internet access. Love to all.
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Well as 2013 has begun, a relationship that has been very dear to me has ended. my three year relationship with my best friend and partner Paul, has dissolved. The relationship was past it’s prime and we were both fooling ourselves that it was ever going to be any more than what it was but it just took both of us to come out and have an emotionally painful series of disclosures to come to realise that where he is in life is not where I am in life and that my feelings are not shared by him. I want to be angry and hate him but I can’t. I do love him and I do want him to be happy as he wants me to be happy as well. I am sure once the dust settles, we will be on talking terms at least. Neither of us said anything deliberately hurtful, only truthful. But the truth hurts sometimes. But It is good to rid ourselves of relationships that no longer fit our lives and take up too much of our headspaces. Love shouldn’t hurt. It should be hard sometimes but it shouldn’t hurt. And this has been hurting me for a long time. it’s no ones fault. We are just two very different people living two very different lives. So I say to him to go with God’s grace and blessings and be happy. So now that this relationship is out of my life, I wonder what newness is entering? Maybe something good 🙂 I can only hope so.
Well the first day of 2013 was very promising. I ate healthy, got some exercise, did a little bit of cleaning, did something creative, and even sent a facebook message to a friend and talked to another one on the phone. So those are all good starts in the different areas I wanted to work on. A kick ass start. Yes it’s day 1, but I wanted to start right. I think one of my goals for the year is to learn to listen to my body and do what it tells me to. Like for example, when I was tired this afternoon, instead of fighting it and not getting all of my goals accomplished I lay daown, took a nap, and got up and finished wahat I wanted to do. I drank when I was thirsty. I didn’t eat when I wasn’t hungry. When I eat, I eat to satisfy my mind and don’t listen to my body and end up being sick much of the time. It’s quite shameful. This year I am goign to learn to listen to my body more and eat only until I am satisfied and eat when I am hungry, not bored or sad, or angry. So That’s a big goal for me this year, to listen to my body. Right now my body is telling me it’s tired so I am going to sign off and get some sleep. Happy New Year my friends.