Yay! I completed my 30 Days of Truth. It is my first accomplishment on my blog. It feels good and I found it to be a very cathartic experience though it was hard knowing that people were going to read my answers. But it feels good to know that I stuck with it. Now onto bigger and better things!
A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
I have been putting this letter off for three days because I don’t know what to say. My self esteem is so poor that it’s hard to pick out anything I love about myself. I guess I will start with the physical stuff that I do love. I love my freckles. I love my Bodacious tatas. I love that my body is still holding up despite my trying to do things to it that would make it otherwise not. I love my desire to want to be better. I love my love of laughter and my ability to make people laugh when I want to. I love that I can make pretty things. I love that I can touch people and make them feel good. I love how I can write and express my feelings when I want to clearly and sufficiently so that people can understand how I want to come across. I love that I have a wonderful son and that even when I really really don’t want to, I still get up and do things with him and for him. I love that I have passions about things even though they don’t always show. I love that I CAN feel even if those feelings aren’t always positive. Most importantly I love that I am me and am not being someone else anymore for anyone else. So that’s about it.
Something you hope to change about yourself and why:
I want to have a healthy lifestyle. Last year my weight at its highest was 323.8. I am now down to 271 due to a combination of diet and exercise. But those good habits have slowly decreased and my weight loss has plateaued. I would like to continue losing weight and getting healthy, exercising and eating healthier. Not so much for my appearance but to be able to do things again like riding horses and riding on rollercoasters and thrill rides, things that I used to love doing but now can’t do because of my weight. I want to be able to have a good time with my ten year old. I want to be the fun mom, not the mom who watches from the sidelines. I want to feel better too and not be out of breath or have sore knees or hips when walking or playing games with my family.
What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Being that I am a woman, if I got SOMEONE ELSE pregnant, I would call the newspapers and Ripley’s believe it or not because I would be a rich woman! I would be rolling in it! If I was pregnant however, it would give me a great deal of pause. I am on a lot of medication that is very bad indeed for fetal development. It would be hazardous to both the developing fetus and myself to continue the pregnancy. Hazardous to the fetus because of the high risk of developmental issues. And Hazardous to me because if I had to stop taking my medication, I could get very mentally ill. I also had severe post partum depression with some psychosis when Liam was born and that was really dangerous for both of us when he was born. So I need to take that into consideration. This is why I take contraception so very seriously. I actually did have an unplanned pregnancy last year and miscarried about one month into the pregnancy. In a way it was a blessing in disguise even though my husband and I were both very disappointed. But we really stepped up contraception after that, changing pills and using barriers as well with intercourse. As to what I would actually do, I can’t really say unless I was there. I know I can say I would most likely terminate but in reality I don’t know if I could go through with it. I am pro-choice but that doesn’t mean I could go through with it. I would probably end up going through with the pregnancy ultimately.
What’s the best thing going for you right now?
At this very second, Vicodin and Klonopin lol. Sorry I am being honest. I have diverticulitis and an ovarian cyst and they are on the same side so those are the two best things going for me at this second. But on a bigger scale, I have a husband that loves me, a child who is totally awesome, and two wonderful people in my life who love me and care about me and are my best friends and want to be a huge part of my life and are always there for me as well. What more can a girl ask for?
Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
I have had my dark days when I cannot see the light. I have days when I cannot get out of bed. I have days when I think it would be so easy to just never get up again. Those are the days when my illness has the better of me. When life seems to overwhelming. When things just aren’t working. When memories are too painful or situations are too frightening or the future just doesn’t seem promising. But then I see my son, and I know I wouldn’t give up on him for anything and giving up on life would mean giving up on him. And that just is not an option. Not ever.
The reason you believe you’re still alive today:
The reason I believe I am still alive today……. A major reason is my son. He has kept me going when I wanted to give up and I would never want to do anything to ever hurt him, not ever. I couldn’t. so I keep going. Another reason is my sheer stubbornness. I refuse to think that this is IT, that this is the best that it can get. It’s HAS to get better. It was better once before and it can be again somehow. And in terms of health and accidents, I believe dumb luck has a major place to play in it. My major car accidents, I came very very close to dying but somehow I walked away. When I had my surgery last year, for whatever reason, the lab tech came in early to take my blood and found me not breathing. If he hadn’t come in early, I would have died. Part of it is also the knowledge of the people around me. Had he not been a paramedic and had my friends who worked the floor not been skilled nurses and responded appropriately and immediately again, I would have died. And when I was on the ventilator and contracted pneumonia, I got very very ill. But my doctor knew what he was doing, whether my surgeon did or not. And yes I have to have the surgery again and I am scared to death because the surgeon didn’t do his job the first time. And I am afraid to die after the first experience. But somehow I know I have that many people who love me and depend on me that I won’t die. Good energy and vibes and prayers and everything that goes out into the universe makes a difference and I have a lot of that behind me. I am not invincible but now I know what to look for and how to take extra precautions and will have people with me around the clock to make sure that if anything goes wrong within a moment’s notice that I will be safe.
Write a playlist to someone at least five songs:
It’s hard for me to write a playlist to anyone right now because there are so many going through my mind at once. I guess if I had to write a play list to someone right now, it would be to all of the people who love me but who aren’t hearing me.
* Inside Outside (reprise) By Storm Large
* You Say By Saving Jane
* Fragile By Megan Mcauley
* Porcelain Doll By Megan Mcauley
* Broken By Lifehouse
* Dark Side By Kelly Clarkson
* Stronger By Kelly Clarkson
* Hide & Seek By Imogen Heap
Something you wish you had done in your life:
I wish I spent more time with my grandfather in the years before he died. My sister came for a visit about two years before he died and we went through some photos with him and I noticed that he and my grandmother saved all of these pictures of my sister and none of me. And I was so hurt that I pulled away from my grandfather. I didn’t see him for the two years before he died. I missed visiting him on Christmases. I made sure Liam saw him but I didn’t visit him and now I regret it so much. Just because it was hurtful. A stupid box of photos. I let it get to me when in reality it was my grandmothers doing and not his. I knew he loved me but it hurt so much and made such an impression on me that I just didn’t want to face him. And then he died and I hadn’t seen him in two years. And that’s time I can never get back.
Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life:
Wow I have lots of regrets in my life. Big ones. Really big ones. I think the biggest regret that I had done that I wish I hadn’t was having a one night stand in college behind my husbands back and then lying about it for a year. He didn’t deserve it and it was a horrible horrible thing for me to do. He forgave me and the night he forgave me was the night I became pregnant with our son. So beautiful came out of such a heinous lie but I still hate myself for it and I will regret it till the day I die.