A chance to understand where I am

This is a small opportunity to understand me a little better. Lately I keep things close to my chest and post just my art work. I post it prolifically and produce it prolifically. Let me explain why. Art has become a part of my therapy, a way to express myself and my emotions, and a way to feel productive. Since I stopped working I have felt so unproductive to the point where my self esteem has crashed and burned. My self worth was so very much based on my job.  My illness has also given me a lot of time alone at home. Because I cannot work, and I know some of you don’t understand that, and I cannot drive due to the medications side effects and due to increasing hallucinations which we are working on, I don’t get out of the house except to go to therapy or to the doctors. I also cannot sleep for more than a few hours at night so I am left alone in those wee hours with my thoughts because of my mania. So it’s a good time to be creative and let out that energy without destroying the house.  So I am channeling my energy into artwork and sharing it within a small community that I can keep track of easily on the computer.  And that my husband can help me organize and send and sit with me when I need to work on something but don’t want to be alone.  I know that many of you have taken my newly found love of art and my prolific posting as a sign of total rehabilitation. But it is just the opposite. I am fighting a battle with my biochemical makeup that I am not winning right now.  So I need to keep occupied with things that don’t need a huge amount of concentration or memory. But things that can make me happy. Things that don’t cause stress. Stress causes major havoc in my life. Change causes stress. Lately anything causes stress. I get into these spirals of thought that I can’t get out of. Being Bipolar is a bitch. It’s not fun. It’s not easy. It’s not a way to for me to “get out of work.” If I could work right now I would. Believe me I would. Being on such a limited income is a HUGE stressor. For my entire family. I am so happy for my friends and former colleagues and former high school classmates and University classmates when I see how much they have accomplished and what they are doing with their lives and all of the adventures they are going on but at the same time I am so jealous because it’s not me. I keep looking at online schools thinking maybe I could do that and the pressure wouldn’t be so bad, and that I could work on a new degree that way, but then I realize that I can’t manage the little stuff right now so it’s not in the cards right now. And it sucks. It really does. But that doesn’t mean it will always be like this. It hasn’t always been like this and it won’t always be like this. It has to get better. It will get better.  I know it will. And until then, those of you who are in my life, I love you for it. And those of you who just hang out and watch what I am doing, I love that too. Keep believing that I will get better. But be patient. Keep being patient. I know I’ve said that for years now and people must start to get tired of it. But it’s all I can ask.



Save the TaTas: Breast Cancer Awareness

In  a swap this week, run by someone who is fighting breast cancer, she asked for us to make postcards or ATCs celebrating breasts in all their forms and tell how breast cancer has personally affected us. My Grandmother Lillian died of breast cancer when I was a teenager. She fought it for awhile, having lumpectomies, then one radical mastectomy, followed by another. In the end it was tool much for her body to take and she succumbed right before Christmas. Breast cancer can affect the old and the young so make sure to perform monthly self breast exams, have yearly breast exams performed with your yearly pap smear which is equally important, and if you are at higher risk of breast cancer or are over age 40, make sure to have your yearly mammogram. It’s vital for your health. It’s not something that should be kept quiet or secret. Your breasts should be appreciated and are no laughing matter and neither is breast cancer.  Breast health and female health is important.

These are my tribute to my own TaTas, not too graphic the important bits are covered so as not to shock the mailman.

Save the TaTas

Save the TaTas

Save the Ta Tas

Save the Ta Tas

420 Friendly Inappropriate ATCs

This week on swap bot I had to make an inappropriate ATC and rather than head toward the crude or the nudity or something else, I headed towards good old stoner humor. While I am not a stoner myself, at the risk of much debate and ridicule and for reasons I will not go into here, I do believe in the legalization of marijuana across the board to be regulated just like alcohol and cigarettes and taxed just as heavily. But I digress. Here are my ATCs.

Good old 420 ATC

Good old 420 ATC

Good old 420 ATC #2

Good old 420 ATC #2

Tara: A Goddess with Many Names

Tara: A Goddess With Many Names

Tara: A Goddess With Many Names

Tara is a Goddess that is worshipped around the world by many people including the Hindu, The Buddhists, and even ancient Finland. There is said to be a version of Tara in every culture.  The best known Taras are the Green Tara and the White Tara. The peaceful, compassionate White Tara gently protects and brings long life and peace. The more dynamic goddess, Green Tara is the “Mother Earth”, and a fierce goddess who overcomes obstacles, and saves us from physical and spiritual danger.

In Buddhism, Tara is much more than  a Goddess; she is a female Buddha; an enlightened one was has attained the highest wisdom, capability and compassion. . . one who can take human form and who remains in oneness with the every living thing.

In the legends of Tibet where the worship of the Goddess Tara is still practiced  in the Buddhist tradition, it is told that the goddess Tara is the feminine counterpart of the  Avalokitesvara, the Bodhisattva who is reincarnated as the  Dalai Lama.

Bodhisattvas are beings who have reached enlightenment and are ‘eligible’ for Budda-hood but have postponed their own nirvana, choosing instead to be remain in the cycle of birth and rebirth in order to serve humanity and assist every being on Earth in achieving nirvana themselves.

It is told that Tara first appeared rising from a lotus blossom in the lake that had formed from Avalokitesvara’s tears of compassion, tears that fell when he first beheld the scope of suffering in the world.  Because of her essential goodness, she was granted the right to assume her human form as a man.  But Tara elected instead to remain in her womanly form.

Some other forms of Tara:

The Celts called their Great Goddess Tara. Her name is thought to be the root of the word Tor, which is a mound of earth or hillock imbued with spiritual energy or connection to the other worlds.

We also hear the echo of her name in the Latin word for earth, Terra, a connection between Tara and the concept of “Mother Earth”.

The Goddess Tara is also associated with Kuan Yin, the great Chinese goddess of compassion. In South America she was known as the ancient mother goddess Tarahumara.

The Cheyenne people revere the Star Woman who fell  from the heavens and whose body became the earth that provided them with food.

The ancient Egyptian Goddess Ishtar who, in her myths, came to earth from the heavens and instructed her people to co-mingle and intermarry with the earthlings to give them the benefits of their learning and wisdom was yet another incarnation of the Goddess Tara.


I’m baaack!

Okay so it’s been three months of hiding. I dug in and I dug in hard. I’m trying to dig out and it’s hard. It’s dirty. it’s painful. The sunlight is blinding. It’s a scary world out here. But I am done hiding and trying to re-emerge into the world again. I am taking baby steps that feel like huge steps. I am trying not to just hide in my upstairs room and to actually get outside. I am going to the farmers market. I am going out shopping. I am seeing family. I took my son to his spring concert which he totally rocked at I am proud to say. Since I last saw you, I have become a pesco vegetarian which is a good step in the right direction both for the world and for my body. Less on the pesco more on the vegetarian. I even joined a local CSA this year so I have a good supply of fresh sustainable veggies. I am trying to express myself through art. I switched therapists. Not sure whether that was a good idea or not but I am still in touch with Dr. John so it’s okay. I am trying to normalize my lack of being normal and being down with that. Okay so there have been some major hitches like hallucinations and med issues and I am trying new meds yet again this week but for the first time in six months I actually got my psychiatrist to look at me instead of his computer. So that’s progress. I would tell you the story but you would have to really know me and my sense of humour to not be alarmed at my level of illness/wellness and my blasé attitude about it. I am just able to laugh about my issues or else I would continue to dig myself in further and never come out. And who can live like that? So that’s me. I am going to start updating my blog tonight with some of my attempts at artwork as well as some updates on some of my larger projects etc. It’s going to seem like it’s all over the place but right now that’s where I am so hang on for the ride and enjoy it or just hit the delete key and it’s all good.

Neglected blog

Well, I have been neglecting my Blog. It’s not been delieberate. It’s just that i have had so much going on that I have had my head spinning and alot of it I have not wanted ot post about, like that friendship I talked about ending. It turned out not ending. It got comlicated and painful. There was lots of arguing and emailing and crying and stressing. We both agreed finally that we wanted each other in each other’s lives and we are better together than apart. But it was a painful way to get to that decision. Very painful. We are trying new tactics to not put pressure on each other and to slow down and back off and take it easy and just be who we are and let nature take it’s course. But like I said, the road to that decision was not an easy one. We went from makign a clean break to being together to being apart, to hating each other, to settling back into a pattern. It ook both of us to face our faults and it was not easy. But I think we are on the right path. Or so I hope.

Meanwhile my health has not been so hot. I go to the doctors starting this week for my Ovarian cysts and my abdominal issues and my mental health issues and go from there. I am hoping to fit in time to see my other best friend Katherine over the weekend or possibly next weekend. It will be nice to spend some time with her. It’s been six months since I last saw her and though I talk to her most nights of the week, it’s not the same as face time. But I am not sure i will be well anough for the long drive there and then spending time with her without getting sick.

Meanwhile, I want to start gettign active again with Bookmooch, postcrossing, open and etsy store, and start selling things on ebay and trading things on Listia. I want to start downsizing and making some room and makign the most of what i have and hopefully get some things I want as well in the process.

I have been active with my ATCs and with trading Junk journal and smash book supplies. I have 12 envelopes waiting to get sent out. I will scan in some of the new cards and post the results later on. I really would like to take some classes and become more creative though. I am using alot of premade supplies and I want to make my own supplies and more of my own designs, not that the designs themselves arent original, but using premade products like stickers and photos makes it easier to do the work and I feel it’s kind of like cheating. I’d like to make my own paper and paint my own backgrounds and draw my own figures if possible. i boughts some books. i should use them.

I am also going to start answering a question a day. I have 200 of them from surveys and online journal prompts already on my computer but if you have any of yoru own, feel free to email them to me at rosedzi@ptd.net or post them in the comments section at any page at any time and I will answer them. They can be questions about me, my thoughts, my opinions, current events that you might want to discuss, anything is an open book. My life is open to you so give me a shout about anything at any time.

Well that’s it for now. I promise I will be on every day from now on except for when I am away and do not have internet access. Love to all.


Out with the old, in with the new

Well as 2013 has begun, a relationship that has been very dear to me has ended. my three year relationship with my best friend and partner Paul, has dissolved. The relationship was past it’s prime and we were both fooling ourselves that it was ever going to be any more than what it was but it just took both of us to come out and have an emotionally painful series of disclosures to come to realise that where he is in life is not where I am in life and that my feelings are not shared by him. I want to be angry and hate him but I can’t. I do love him and I do want him to be happy as he wants me to be happy as well. I am sure once the dust settles, we will be on talking terms at least. Neither of us said anything deliberately hurtful, only truthful. But the truth hurts sometimes. But It is good to rid ourselves of relationships that no longer fit our lives and take up too much of our headspaces. Love shouldn’t hurt. It should be hard sometimes but it shouldn’t hurt. And this has been hurting me for a long time. it’s no ones fault. We are just two very different people living two very different lives. So I say to him to go with God’s grace and blessings and be happy. So now that this relationship is out of my life, I wonder what newness is entering? Maybe something good 🙂 I can only hope so.


My New Year’s Resolutions for 2013

This year is quickly approaching it’s end and the new year is quickly approaching it’s beginning. This year I am not as ambitious when it comes to specific resolutions. My two specific resolutions are to reach my goal weight for this year of 260 pounds. It is reachable, attainable and measurable. It is a goal I know I can meet and will not blow it. And when I meet and exceed it it will make me feel more competent. And if I just meet it and don’t exceed it, then at least I met my goal. My other goal is to set daily, weekly, and monthly goals that are specific and attainable to help me improve on my medical issues, my mental health, my physical health, my creative and artistic side, my financial situation, my relationships, and my environment. In order to do this I have purchased a planner to help set small achievable daily and weekly goals for myself and will document monthly goals as well in my journal and blog and document their progress. Ultimately my goal is to find balance and to help heal my life more than I have this year. I really have alot of healing to do and have no made much progress in doing so this past year. I really need to work on myself and bettering my life and there-for my husband’s, child’s, and best friends’. So that’s it!

We survived!

Well Ladies and Gentleman, It’s December 22, 2012 and we survived. The world is still here, humans are still on it, and I am still hanging on to my lovely, chaotic existence. While it is before christmas and too early to start setting my New Years resolutions in stone for  the new year, I think that waking up to a beautiful new day gives me the opportunity to focus on what I want to start working on in my life: the areas I want to start focusing on more.

  1. My Medical Issues: I am already working on those but I think it’s time to really focus on them. I have a Gyn appt in January to work on the ovarian cyst issue and I am going to have to get an appt with a gastroenterologist now that I have found out that the surgical ooption is off of the table for my chronic diverticulitis. I also need to get back in with the dentist to work on my teeth as they are not happy and I never followed up after my last major dental procedure because it hurt so much. I need to get back to them and follow up.
  2. My Mental Health: I need to find a way to work with my P-Doc or find someone who will work with me. I also need to find ways to minimize stress and find therapuetic outlets for the things I am going through. I also need to get back into my DBT practice and start to focus on some of those excercises. I also need to get focused with Dr. Kuna and find a way to really concentrate on issues that are bothering me and work with him on those instead of wasting time on less meaning ful things.
  3. My Physical Health: I need to get back into eating healthy and getting regular exercise and start working on my body even though I know I am not well. A little bit will go a long way.
  4. My Creative/Artistic side: I need to find a way to feed that part of me more and spend less time in front of the tv. I also need to organize my space and my supplies. I woudl also like to network more so I can take classes or go to concerts or go to galleries. I don’t have to isolate and do it all by myself.
  5. My environment: My house is a mess and filthy. It causes external choas to my internal choas. I need organize and downsize and clean and make arrangement to get the house fixed.
  6. My Financial situation: I need to spend less and utilize more. No more spending sprees when I can use what i have. I also want to set up an ebay and etsy store to sell thigns that I can’t use or don’t need anymore. I also need to start arraqnging to pay off some of my bills.
  7. My relationships: I need to find more balance in my relationships. I neglect my huasband in favor of Katherine or Paul quite often because I do not have the energy for all three. I also do nto spend nearly enough itme with my son because I am tired. I also neglect spending face timewiht Katherine in favor of phone time because I over spend and do not save for trips to see her. I also do not spend enough time with friends or making time for friends or penpals and that is not fair to them. I need to Find Balance.

I guess the whole key to this thing is Finding Balance. I really need that most of all. KIt’s alot to tackle but if I take baby steps and make little changes in each area I will make big changes in the long run. Anyways that’s my big thoughts status post Doomsday. Love to all my friends and followers.


Stop The Car!!!!!!!!!

There’s a PANDA in that YARD!!!!!! yes those are the words that came flying out of my stress addled, highly medicated, manicly induced mind and mouth today on the way home from a particularly stressful doctors aappointment. The car skidded to a stop………. before Peter logically realized, then told me so, that we were in the woods of Pennsylvania, and there are no Pandas in Pennsylvania. Close my eyes, count to ten, and look again. Two dogs, one black and one white, playing ball in the yard. Okay so I got the colors right. But not scarlett, there are no Pandas in Pennsylvania. I need to lay off the stress and get some sleep. I guess it’s better than the purple camels or the black cats that used to plague me at points in my life, or even the member of the Insane Clown Posse who i swore was peeping in my window one day. Oh, the joys of being bipolar.

speaks for itself

speaks for itself