This is a small opportunity to understand me a little better. Lately I keep things close to my chest and post just my art work. I post it prolifically and produce it prolifically. Let me explain why. Art has become a part of my therapy, a way to express myself and my emotions, and a way to feel productive. Since I stopped working I have felt so unproductive to the point where my self esteem has crashed and burned. My self worth was so very much based on my job. My illness has also given me a lot of time alone at home. Because I cannot work, and I know some of you don’t understand that, and I cannot drive due to the medications side effects and due to increasing hallucinations which we are working on, I don’t get out of the house except to go to therapy or to the doctors. I also cannot sleep for more than a few hours at night so I am left alone in those wee hours with my thoughts because of my mania. So it’s a good time to be creative and let out that energy without destroying the house. So I am channeling my energy into artwork and sharing it within a small community that I can keep track of easily on the computer. And that my husband can help me organize and send and sit with me when I need to work on something but don’t want to be alone. I know that many of you have taken my newly found love of art and my prolific posting as a sign of total rehabilitation. But it is just the opposite. I am fighting a battle with my biochemical makeup that I am not winning right now. So I need to keep occupied with things that don’t need a huge amount of concentration or memory. But things that can make me happy. Things that don’t cause stress. Stress causes major havoc in my life. Change causes stress. Lately anything causes stress. I get into these spirals of thought that I can’t get out of. Being Bipolar is a bitch. It’s not fun. It’s not easy. It’s not a way to for me to “get out of work.” If I could work right now I would. Believe me I would. Being on such a limited income is a HUGE stressor. For my entire family. I am so happy for my friends and former colleagues and former high school classmates and University classmates when I see how much they have accomplished and what they are doing with their lives and all of the adventures they are going on but at the same time I am so jealous because it’s not me. I keep looking at online schools thinking maybe I could do that and the pressure wouldn’t be so bad, and that I could work on a new degree that way, but then I realize that I can’t manage the little stuff right now so it’s not in the cards right now. And it sucks. It really does. But that doesn’t mean it will always be like this. It hasn’t always been like this and it won’t always be like this. It has to get better. It will get better. I know it will. And until then, those of you who are in my life, I love you for it. And those of you who just hang out and watch what I am doing, I love that too. Keep believing that I will get better. But be patient. Keep being patient. I know I’ve said that for years now and people must start to get tired of it. But it’s all I can ask.
Okay so it’s been three months of hiding. I dug in and I dug in hard. I’m trying to dig out and it’s hard. It’s dirty. it’s painful. The sunlight is blinding. It’s a scary world out here. But I am done hiding and trying to re-emerge into the world again. I am taking baby steps that feel like huge steps. I am trying not to just hide in my upstairs room and to actually get outside. I am going to the farmers market. I am going out shopping. I am seeing family. I took my son to his spring concert which he totally rocked at I am proud to say. Since I last saw you, I have become a pesco vegetarian which is a good step in the right direction both for the world and for my body. Less on the pesco more on the vegetarian. I even joined a local CSA this year so I have a good supply of fresh sustainable veggies. I am trying to express myself through art. I switched therapists. Not sure whether that was a good idea or not but I am still in touch with Dr. John so it’s okay. I am trying to normalize my lack of being normal and being down with that. Okay so there have been some major hitches like hallucinations and med issues and I am trying new meds yet again this week but for the first time in six months I actually got my psychiatrist to look at me instead of his computer. So that’s progress. I would tell you the story but you would have to really know me and my sense of humour to not be alarmed at my level of illness/wellness and my blasé attitude about it. I am just able to laugh about my issues or else I would continue to dig myself in further and never come out. And who can live like that? So that’s me. I am going to start updating my blog tonight with some of my attempts at artwork as well as some updates on some of my larger projects etc. It’s going to seem like it’s all over the place but right now that’s where I am so hang on for the ride and enjoy it or just hit the delete key and it’s all good.
On the surface, this seems easy. I am a 32 year old wife and mom of a 10 year old boy. I am married to a 49 year old Aussie chef. I have a dog, a cat, and 7 guinea pigs. I love art, reading, music, watching tv, and haviogn a good time with my family. Seems easy enough doesn’t it? But when you ask someone who they are, is that really the sum of their parts? If you had asked me this three years ago I would have had a much better answer: I was a kick asss ER nurse saving lives and taking risks. I was confident and crazy and extroverted and hypersexual. I was a secret Dominatrix and not so secret BBW adult model. Then everythign came crashing to a hault. One day I was on top of the world, my career, my profession and my life and in complete control. The next mionute i was locked up in a mental hospital with the words Fuck you carved into my arms 100 times with an exacto knife. So what the hell hapened? I have no idea. I had always shown syptoms of Biplolar disorder. I would rip the house apart at random moments to clean and pganize. iw pould get hypersexual. i would drink and make poor decisions. But it took that clear scream of help for someone to notice how bad i was cracking inside. So now that i have comepltely cracked, all the kinds horses and all the kinds men are having a very hard time putting me back together again. So other than that basic info, I have no diea who i really am. i know somehwere inside of me lies a strong woman. Somewhere I hope. She may be lying on the ground but she is still there. I am a mother and i try my best. I am a wife and i try my best at that too. Inside I am a bal of chaos and that manifests itself externally through my environment and my relationships. Inside I am a scared tired sad young woman with moments of happiness, albiet fleeting. I have dreams and hopes but no motivation to follow them or ever follow through with any of my plans. I am a procrastinator full of excuses. Yet inside I am an artist hoping to learn to make art. I am a lover wanting to learn to love. I am a dreamer wanting someone to teach me how to dream. I have moments of shining clarity and moments of pitch blackness. I am me. I don;t know how else to explain that right now. I don’t like titles or lables or anything like that. So hear I am, just me. Hyponotizing chickens :>)
This year is quickly approaching it’s end and the new year is quickly approaching it’s beginning. This year I am not as ambitious when it comes to specific resolutions. My two specific resolutions are to reach my goal weight for this year of 260 pounds. It is reachable, attainable and measurable. It is a goal I know I can meet and will not blow it. And when I meet and exceed it it will make me feel more competent. And if I just meet it and don’t exceed it, then at least I met my goal. My other goal is to set daily, weekly, and monthly goals that are specific and attainable to help me improve on my medical issues, my mental health, my physical health, my creative and artistic side, my financial situation, my relationships, and my environment. In order to do this I have purchased a planner to help set small achievable daily and weekly goals for myself and will document monthly goals as well in my journal and blog and document their progress. Ultimately my goal is to find balance and to help heal my life more than I have this year. I really have alot of healing to do and have no made much progress in doing so this past year. I really need to work on myself and bettering my life and there-for my husband’s, child’s, and best friends’. So that’s it!
Well Ladies and Gentleman, It’s December 22, 2012 and we survived. The world is still here, humans are still on it, and I am still hanging on to my lovely, chaotic existence. While it is before christmas and too early to start setting my New Years resolutions in stone for the new year, I think that waking up to a beautiful new day gives me the opportunity to focus on what I want to start working on in my life: the areas I want to start focusing on more.
My Medical Issues: I am already working on those but I think it’s time to really focus on them. I have a Gyn appt in January to work on the ovarian cyst issue and I am going to have to get an appt with a gastroenterologist now that I have found out that the surgical ooption is off of the table for my chronic diverticulitis. I also need to get back in with the dentist to work on my teeth as they are not happy and I never followed up after my last major dental procedure because it hurt so much. I need to get back to them and follow up.
My Mental Health: I need to find a way to work with my P-Doc or find someone who will work with me. I also need to find ways to minimize stress and find therapuetic outlets for the things I am going through. I also need to get back into my DBT practice and start to focus on some of those excercises. I also need to get focused with Dr. Kuna and find a way to really concentrate on issues that are bothering me and work with him on those instead of wasting time on less meaning ful things.
My Physical Health: I need to get back into eating healthy and getting regular exercise and start working on my body even though I know I am not well. A little bit will go a long way.
My Creative/Artistic side: I need to find a way to feed that part of me more and spend less time in front of the tv. I also need to organize my space and my supplies. I woudl also like to network more so I can take classes or go to concerts or go to galleries. I don’t have to isolate and do it all by myself.
My environment: My house is a mess and filthy. It causes external choas to my internal choas. I need organize and downsize and clean and make arrangement to get the house fixed.
My Financial situation: I need to spend less and utilize more. No more spending sprees when I can use what i have. I also want to set up an ebay and etsy store to sell thigns that I can’t use or don’t need anymore. I also need to start arraqnging to pay off some of my bills.
My relationships: I need to find more balance in my relationships. I neglect my huasband in favor of Katherine or Paul quite often because I do not have the energy for all three. I also do nto spend nearly enough itme with my son because I am tired. I also neglect spending face timewiht Katherine in favor of phone time because I over spend and do not save for trips to see her. I also do not spend enough time with friends or making time for friends or penpals and that is not fair to them. I need to Find Balance.
I guess the whole key to this thing is Finding Balance. I really need that most of all. KIt’s alot to tackle but if I take baby steps and make little changes in each area I will make big changes in the long run. Anyways that’s my big thoughts status post Doomsday. Love to all my friends and followers.
There’s a PANDA in that YARD!!!!!! yes those are the words that came flying out of my stress addled, highly medicated, manicly induced mind and mouth today on the way home from a particularly stressful doctors aappointment. The car skidded to a stop………. before Peter logically realized, then told me so, that we were in the woods of Pennsylvania, and there are no Pandas in Pennsylvania. Close my eyes, count to ten, and look again. Two dogs, one black and one white, playing ball in the yard. Okay so I got the colors right. But not scarlett, there are no Pandas in Pennsylvania. I need to lay off the stress and get some sleep. I guess it’s better than the purple camels or the black cats that used to plague me at points in my life, or even the member of the Insane Clown Posse who i swore was peeping in my window one day. Oh, the joys of being bipolar.
Well since my 30 Days of Truth is completed, I am going to keep using this blog to challenge myself and document those challenges. Challenges may include art, diet, exercise, deep thought, writing, cooking, experimenting, adventures, trying new things, goal setting etc. So I am going to start giving it a shot and keep up from there.
My second challenge starting sunday December 9, 2012 is going to be 7 days of art. For seven days I have to create something or work on creating something artistically every day and document it in my blog. This will keep my creative juices flowing and relieve stress even though I have several stressful appointments this week and will be preoccupied. It will be healthy for me. Projects don’t have to be finished each day but they have to be worked on and documented. Let the fun Begin.
Yay! I completed my 30 Days of Truth. It is my first accomplishment on my blog. It feels good and I found it to be a very cathartic experience though it was hard knowing that people were going to read my answers. But it feels good to know that I stuck with it. Now onto bigger and better things!
What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Being that I am a woman, if I got SOMEONE ELSE pregnant, I would call the newspapers and Ripley’s believe it or not because I would be a rich woman! I would be rolling in it! If I was pregnant however, it would give me a great deal of pause. I am on a lot of medication that is very bad indeed for fetal development. It would be hazardous to both the developing fetus and myself to continue the pregnancy. Hazardous to the fetus because of the high risk of developmental issues. And Hazardous to me because if I had to stop taking my medication, I could get very mentally ill. I also had severe post partum depression with some psychosis when Liam was born and that was really dangerous for both of us when he was born. So I need to take that into consideration. This is why I take contraception so very seriously. I actually did have an unplanned pregnancy last year and miscarried about one month into the pregnancy. In a way it was a blessing in disguise even though my husband and I were both very disappointed. But we really stepped up contraception after that, changing pills and using barriers as well with intercourse. As to what I would actually do, I can’t really say unless I was there. I know I can say I would most likely terminate but in reality I don’t know if I could go through with it. I am pro-choice but that doesn’t mean I could go through with it. I would probably end up going through with the pregnancy ultimately.
Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it:
When it comes to something I can’t live without it clearly has to be an income of some sort. When I was waiting on the decision regarding my disability, I was without any income whatsoever for 6 months. I had to rely on my husband’s income and the kindness of my mother, as well as government programs such as food stamps, LIHEAP, etc. It was a severe struggle. It was horrible. I felt helpless. I didn’t have money for anything. My husband’s income is fairly low and at the time was not consistent because he was an hourly wage earner and not salary. It was a very scary time.
As for someone I can’t live without, it has to be my husband. He has stood by me through so much. He helps me still on a daily basis and knows what to do and say whenever I am in a crisis. When he doesn’t know what to do, he knows who to call to get answers. He takes care of the house, is a good father, helps get me what I need and communicate my needs to healthcare providers when I can’t do so adequately. I don’t know what I would do without him. And I love him. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He does little things for me all of the time to make my life better and happier and easier and that means a lot to me.