Well as 2013 has begun, a relationship that has been very dear to me has ended. my three year relationship with my best friend and partner Paul, has dissolved. The relationship was past it’s prime and we were both fooling ourselves that it was ever going to be any more than what it was but it just took both of us to come out and have an emotionally painful series of disclosures to come to realise that where he is in life is not where I am in life and that my feelings are not shared by him. I want to be angry and hate him but I can’t. I do love him and I do want him to be happy as he wants me to be happy as well. I am sure once the dust settles, we will be on talking terms at least. Neither of us said anything deliberately hurtful, only truthful. But the truth hurts sometimes. But It is good to rid ourselves of relationships that no longer fit our lives and take up too much of our headspaces. Love shouldn’t hurt. It should be hard sometimes but it shouldn’t hurt. And this has been hurting me for a long time. it’s no ones fault. We are just two very different people living two very different lives. So I say to him to go with God’s grace and blessings and be happy. So now that this relationship is out of my life, I wonder what newness is entering? Maybe something good 🙂 I can only hope so.
This year is quickly approaching it’s end and the new year is quickly approaching it’s beginning. This year I am not as ambitious when it comes to specific resolutions. My two specific resolutions are to reach my goal weight for this year of 260 pounds. It is reachable, attainable and measurable. It is a goal I know I can meet and will not blow it. And when I meet and exceed it it will make me feel more competent. And if I just meet it and don’t exceed it, then at least I met my goal. My other goal is to set daily, weekly, and monthly goals that are specific and attainable to help me improve on my medical issues, my mental health, my physical health, my creative and artistic side, my financial situation, my relationships, and my environment. In order to do this I have purchased a planner to help set small achievable daily and weekly goals for myself and will document monthly goals as well in my journal and blog and document their progress. Ultimately my goal is to find balance and to help heal my life more than I have this year. I really have alot of healing to do and have no made much progress in doing so this past year. I really need to work on myself and bettering my life and there-for my husband’s, child’s, and best friends’. So that’s it!
Well Ladies and Gentleman, It’s December 22, 2012 and we survived. The world is still here, humans are still on it, and I am still hanging on to my lovely, chaotic existence. While it is before christmas and too early to start setting my New Years resolutions in stone for the new year, I think that waking up to a beautiful new day gives me the opportunity to focus on what I want to start working on in my life: the areas I want to start focusing on more.
My Medical Issues: I am already working on those but I think it’s time to really focus on them. I have a Gyn appt in January to work on the ovarian cyst issue and I am going to have to get an appt with a gastroenterologist now that I have found out that the surgical ooption is off of the table for my chronic diverticulitis. I also need to get back in with the dentist to work on my teeth as they are not happy and I never followed up after my last major dental procedure because it hurt so much. I need to get back to them and follow up.
My Mental Health: I need to find a way to work with my P-Doc or find someone who will work with me. I also need to find ways to minimize stress and find therapuetic outlets for the things I am going through. I also need to get back into my DBT practice and start to focus on some of those excercises. I also need to get focused with Dr. Kuna and find a way to really concentrate on issues that are bothering me and work with him on those instead of wasting time on less meaning ful things.
My Physical Health: I need to get back into eating healthy and getting regular exercise and start working on my body even though I know I am not well. A little bit will go a long way.
My Creative/Artistic side: I need to find a way to feed that part of me more and spend less time in front of the tv. I also need to organize my space and my supplies. I woudl also like to network more so I can take classes or go to concerts or go to galleries. I don’t have to isolate and do it all by myself.
My environment: My house is a mess and filthy. It causes external choas to my internal choas. I need organize and downsize and clean and make arrangement to get the house fixed.
My Financial situation: I need to spend less and utilize more. No more spending sprees when I can use what i have. I also want to set up an ebay and etsy store to sell thigns that I can’t use or don’t need anymore. I also need to start arraqnging to pay off some of my bills.
My relationships: I need to find more balance in my relationships. I neglect my huasband in favor of Katherine or Paul quite often because I do not have the energy for all three. I also do nto spend nearly enough itme with my son because I am tired. I also neglect spending face timewiht Katherine in favor of phone time because I over spend and do not save for trips to see her. I also do not spend enough time with friends or making time for friends or penpals and that is not fair to them. I need to Find Balance.
I guess the whole key to this thing is Finding Balance. I really need that most of all. KIt’s alot to tackle but if I take baby steps and make little changes in each area I will make big changes in the long run. Anyways that’s my big thoughts status post Doomsday. Love to all my friends and followers.
Someone you need to let go or wish you didn’t know
Ouch. There are people in this life that I probably need to let go of but am in denial about. Unhealthy relationships. Relationships that no longer fit. Relationships that no longer fill the need they intended. But I’m not one to let go. I will say that there is one person in my life who I wish I did not have in my life but because of family reasons I have to grin and bare it. There are very few people on this earth that I just can’t get along with, very few. And she is one of them. She goes between passive aggressive, aggressive, and just plain old mean and insulting. And for some reason she has painted a target on my back that every family get together she hits me with everything she can. And she does it so sneakily that she waits till no one or very few people are paying attention to get me. For example, I am trying really hard to lose weight, really hard. Well I had the cake in front of me at my birthday party to cut it and she said, well I know when your home that’s your usual portion isn’t it. I mean really low blows. And she just kept up with it. She tried to throw out my wedding dress. At my birthday party she did everything she could to drive me up to wall. She emptied the butter dish at my end of the table to put the butter at the other end of the table. When the other end of the table ran out of water, instead of asking the waitress for more, she emptied the water pitcher from our end of the table into theirs. She kept putting all of the dirty plates and flat ware in front of my husband as he was trying to drink his coffee and eat his cake. I mean really silly little things just to prove that she could get to me. But I didn’t let it get to me. One she gave me that low blow at the table about my weight I just smiled at her and said, “good one”. Wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. Two years ago she made fun of me for the Christmas gift I gave her. Last year she didn’t even acknowledge it and didn’t give me anything. So this year I am giving gifts to my uncle and if she gets something she does. If she doesn’t she doesn’t. Not that I need anything from her anyway. She is just plain mean and I don’t do mean. I don’t do mean at all. She makes cracks about my weight all of the time. One thanksgiving she said thank god my husband and father weren’t there or there wouldn’t be enough food for the rest of everyone else. So I don’t attend family thanksgivings anymore. Just to avoid the drama. It’s sad that she has to affect my life this much but I would rather not cause any drama in my family and just separate from her as much as I can than start a fight. So that’s that.
Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted:
I think that along the way I have had many close friends that I drifted apart from but none closer than Mi, Joy, Dagmar, and Blanche who I used to work with. They were my closest friends, more like sisters. But once I got sick and quit working, I just drifted away from them and for the most part lost contact and I regret it every day. Especially Joy. She was like family and I felt attached to the hip. Then so much happened in our lives and I feel like I probably can’t get that or any of those relationships back and I miss them with all my heart. I also drifted away from Cleo and Allie, friends who I met initially online, and I miss them too very very much but can’t seem to get my act together to keep up a good relationship with either of them either. I think I have pretty much lost contact with all of my friends since my illness got so bad. I don’t really talk to anyone except online and even then just barely. I don’t have almost any rt contact with anyone. It’s hard to be this isolated. But then again I don’t have a lot of energy to be social and isolation feels easier sometimes. Silly I know. But the feeling is there too. Catch 22.
This is a harder to answer question. I guess what I love about myself is that I am able to love other people and look past their outsides to see their true insides. I have many many close friends of all shapes, sizes, ages, races, colors, religions, sexualities, genders and I consider most of them my family. I have built a large family of choice in addition to my family of origin. A very very good friend of mine asked me at lunch a few weeks ago said to me” you have all these relationships. Do you love all of them?” Of course I told him. He asked me how I could do that. I said that love is an infinite property, it is only time that is finite. I have room in my heart for as many people who want to be there. I have so many friends who started out in my life in so many different, even odd ways, but I have grown very close to them, and we have wonderful relationships. I may love each of my friends in different ways but I love them all.